JustAnotherDogBlog

Me: Look, Middy! Look Schmoop! I have a new extra soft blanket! Middy & Schmoop: Ooooooo blanket! Me: And it matches my pajama pants! Me: See, it's soft like the pajamas... Middy: So soft! Me: And it's fuzzy like the pajamas... Middy: So fuzzy! Me: And it's got pretty moons and stars like the pajamas... Middy: So pretty! Me: and it's....wait. What? MIDDY MEPHITIDAE, DID YOU CHEW A HOLE IN THE PRETTY NEW BLANKET? Middy: Just like pajamas! Schmoop: Humph. ( It is a perfectly round hole. I don't know how she chews such perfectly round holes. Also if you see me wearing pants with a perfectly round patch, understand she did that WHILE I WAS WEARING THE PANTS. My lil girl is very, very sneaky.)

  Middy yesterday: YAY YARD TIME. Me: Yes, yard time! With your harness so you can't do a sneak. Me: Middy? Me: Middy! Me: MIDDY *half an hour of doggedly trudging in the wake of a deliriously happy fleethound who has no intention of obeying the Old Mommy in the slightest while she makes friends with many new yards and a kind lady who offered sympathy and "she went thataway!"* Me: Middy, you stop RIGHT NOW Middy: OLD MOMMY THIS IS THE BEST ADVENTURE!!!! HOORAY!!!! One neighbor: Oh, I think she went around that corner *points towards the street where Middy usually tries to meet neighbors' dogs* Me: *dreading a possible dog fight* *trudge trudge trudge* Neighbor out with dog: Nope, haven't seen her. UPS truck driver: Nope, haven't seen her. UPS driver again (having apparently gotten lost trying to get out of dereliction): Still haven't seen her. Sigh. Heading for home. Middy: OLD MOMMY WHERE WERE YOU I WAS LOST!!! CARRY ME OLD MOMMY CARRY YOUR MIDDY SPOOOON...

Houdini Me: goes into the main yard with the dogs, which I've had to lock off due to Middy. Middy must wear her harness now, because I'm hoping it slows down her epic squirm power. Middy: OH LOOK OLD MOMMY I AM SOMEHOW OUTSIDE THE FENCE HOW DID THAT HAPPEN OOOH BUNNIES! Me: MIDDY MEPHITIDAE! YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT. NOW. *Goes inside to get a leash* *Comes back to search for Middy* No Middy. *Walks the other way around the block* No Middy. *Deep breath, as I try not to strangle her through mental force* Middy: Old Mommy? Old Mommy? I'm stuck! Me: Middy Mephitidae! You stay RIGHT THERE! Middy: Mommy there are thorns I'm stuck halp! Middy: I'm scared old Mommy please help your little Middy Spoon!!!! Me: *mangling self on thorns to get my Middy Spoon out* ok, I really hope you've learned something. Middy: Yay free more adventures! Me:

  Me: You've both been such good dogs, let's do errands and a walk! Schmoop: Yes, walk! Middy: Yes, walk OMG HARNESS WHY ok yes, walk. Me: What a good walk, many accomplishments, let's go home for some chicken chicken and snuggles! Schmoop: Yes I would like the treats and snuggles! Super pooped! Middy: I would also like the treats and snuggles! Super pooped! Exhausted! *hangs limp and lifeless* *must be helped into the car. So tired* Me: OK Schmoop (leashless), straight to the gate. Schmoop: Yes'm, that is my duty as guard dog. *goes to gate* Me: *holding the second leash I keep on Middy even after I've taken off the backup collar because Dangernoodle is a menace* OK, Middy, straight to the gate. My poor tired girl. What a good girl you were! Is treat time! Special treat! Middy: *slipping leash like Houdini on any given Tuesday* FREEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!! Me: ...... Middy (racing past at mach 9): FREEEEE * SONIC BOOM* DOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!! Me: *trudging down...

  Me; *having a rough day, because the world is A LOT* Middy Spoon: MOMMY! MOMMY! COME HERE! VERY IMPORTANT! *Chomps my arm and drags me to the dog futon* Me: Middy, do I really need to sit down here? Middy: YES OMG SUPER IMPORTANT!!!! SIT RIGHT HERE!!!! RIGHT HERE, OLD MOMMY!!!! Me, mangled but curious: oookay? I'm sitting? Middy: SNEAK ATTACK!!!!! *throws entire self on my head, knocking me over and profusely licking my face* Me: blargle! *Struggling to breathe* Middy: I LOVE YOU OLD MOMMY! *lick lick chomp lick* Dogs. Somehow making the world better, despite humanity's worst efforts.

  0 7 0 9 5 2 4 0 1 i 7 3 2 6 i y 1 , M    ·  Shared with Friends; Except: Acquaintances Me: *morel hunting in the yard* Middy: YAY OUTDOOR TIME WITH MOMMY! *races laps* Me: Hmm, I should check out that grassy lot across the street (used to be a house, but lack of infrastructural support led to it being flooded). *walks down alley outside fence* Middy: HOORAY I CAN RACE THE OLD MOMMY! LOOK HOW FAST I AM, MOMMY! *gets to end of fenceline* *watches me cross the street* Old....old Mommy? Old Mommy, where are we going? *watches me step into the neighboring yard, where I discovered some of my hostas transplanted by random bulldozing* OLD MOMMY? WHY YOU NO TAKE YOUR MIDDY SPOON?? Me: Middy, you're fine. I'm going to be right over here. I'll be right back. Middy: OOLLLLD MOOOMMMMMMYYYYYYY???? WHY YOU ABANDON YOUR MIDDY SPOOOOOOOONNNNNN???? OLD MOMMY? OLD MOMMY? ARE YOU GONE FOREVER OLD MOMMY??? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??? *as I walk, clearly visible, for about 3 minutes* OLD MOMM...

  Mephitidae: *steals Schmoopie's collar* Schmoop: *grumble* Mephitidae: LOOK OLD MOMMY HE'S NAKEY!!

Me, about 3 am: ....wuh? Middy: OLD MOMMY!!! LOOOK! Me: Whu? Middy: LOOK OLD MOMMY I BROUGHT OLD MOMMY TREAT! Me: Wait... is my butt wet? WHY IS MY BUTT WET?? Middy: *crunching ominously* I HELP OLD MOMMY, I OPEN!!! Me, confused but suspicious now: MIDDY. Is that a beer? Middy: OLD MOMMY TREAT!!!!! I HELP!!! *flings what I now realize is a Guinness, leaking profusely, on the futon* Me: MIDDY. Did you OPEN the beer?? Middy: BEST MOMMY TREAT FOR BEST OLD MOMMY!!! *upends beer, which is rapidly emptying* Me: *grabs can* Middy: I LOVE YOU OLD MOMMY!!! I SHARE OLD MOMMY TREAT!!! *starts licking at now beer-soaked bedding* LOOK, OLD MOMMY'S TURN!!! POLITE SHARE! Me, declining to politely share the bed-beer: Middy. I love you very, very much. *restrains Middy from beer, restrains self from strangling Middy* *grumbles off to grab a towel* *starts mopping up beer, which fortunately was mostly absorbed by the liner I have down* *MOSTLY* At least it wasn't an IPA. Schmoop: HUMPH.

 Middy: OMG LOOK HERE IS AN OLD CHEW TOY! Me: Yes, Middy, that's a good toy! Good girl! Middy: HERE IS ANOTHER TOY!! Me: What a good pupper to find these toys! Good girl! Middy: also hey maybe just let me drop this young dead possum on the pillow? Me: Oh... Oh Mephitidae. *Puts bedding in wash* (I always hope they're playing dead. But this one... 😔)

  Me: *puts too small dog bed under the desk so Schmoopie can have his own personal hidey hole* OK, but probably it's too small, Schmoop. Schmoop: Is perfect safe hidey hole. Only Schmoop. No monster. *snooze* Mephitidae: NEW HIDEY HOLE? *squeeze* S: NO! Schmoop hidey hole! M: MIDDY HOLE? *grunt trample squeeze* S: NO! Too small! You have yours! M: PERFECT SAFE MIDDY SPOON HIDEY HOLE! *flops on Schmoopie, aggressively falls asleep* S: HUMPH (And this is why I cannot wheel my desk chair closer to the desk) ((To Schmoop's credit, he has refused to yield the tiny pillow, and Middy eventually slid onto the floor, so she may even give up before he does. Good boy for standing his ground, sorta.)) (((Middy has given up. One teeny victory for Schmoopie.)))

  Me: ... Schmoopie: *bursts into room* *INTENSE STARE* Me: What? Schmoopie: THERE'S A THING *INTENSE STARE* Me: S: COME SEE THE THING YOU MUST COME SEE THE THING Me: I need to come see something? *getting up* S: THE THING HURRY HURRY HURRY Me: *goes outside* Mephitidae: OLD MOMMY!!!! OLD MOMMY!!! OLD MOMMY!! LOOOOOOOOK!!!*jumps frantically at house walls S: LOOK! *stands against house staring at the roof* Me: Is the thing on the roof? *looks* *sees nothing* S: *tries a different side of the house* UP ON THE ROOF GO GET IT Me: Um. I can't see it. And I can't go up there. S: *checks the shed, just in case* M: *snorting up drainpipe* MOMMY GO UP THE DRAINPIPE!!! Me: That's....no? S: GET THE THING OLD MOMMY M: GET THE THING!!! GET THE THING!!! Me: OK, look, I can't. And also no. Schmoop & Middy: ... I think I just lost some god points.

  Me: *driving down alley* Random dog running loose: YAY IMMA FREE DOG!!! Me: *parks car, gets out* Middy! Get back in the yard! *puts Middy in the gate, rounds Schmoop into the house for lockdown, looks for Middy...* M (from outside fence, 5 seconds after I put her in): FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!! HEY LOOK STUFF!!!! Me: *follows Mephitidae, trying to get close enough for grabbing* Middy: HELLO NEIGHBORS HOUSE CAN I COME IN?? Middy: HELLO STREET! Middy: HELLO OTHER HOUSE I SNIFF YOUR BUSHES! Me (Voice of Absolute Doom): M.E.P.H.I.T.I.D.A.E. YOU POLITE SIT *NOW* Middy: *polite sit* Me: *picks up 60+ pound puppy to carry her two blocks home* *grunt* How are you SO HEAVY? Middy: IMMA TEENY! Me: *grunt grunt heave grunt old* Middy: *head snuggling as she's carried because adventures are exhausting and old mommies are safe* I LOVE YOU OLD MOMMY!

  Me: *covers Mephitidae's eyes* Where's Middy? M:... Me: PEEKABOO Where's Middy? M: Am I... Am I invisible? Me: PEEKABOO! Where's Middy? M: AM I A NINJA NOW??? Me: PEEKA- M: NINJA DEATH SNEAK ATTACK FACE CHOMPS!!!! *TACKLE* Schmoopie: Why you make Middy disappear?

  Mephitidae: *wakes up* OMG OLD MOMMY THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE BACK YOU WERE GONE FOREVER IT WAS VERY SCARY AND SAD *Dramatically flings her whole body on mine, especially impressive because she was lying down* Me: Buh? Middy: I WAS ALL ALONE AND YOU WERE GONE AND GONE AND IT WAS VERY BAD NEVER LEAVE AGAIN!!!! *Attempts to physically merge with my torso* Me: Um... Wha? I was right he... Middy: I LOVE YOU OLD MOMMY DON'T LEAVE NEVER LEAVE NEVER EVER YOUR POOR MIDDY SPOOOOOOONNNNN! *Begins aggressively grooming my face, which makes it extremely hard to breathe/ have skin* Me: *splutter* ok, it's ok, don't drown me, I'm right here! *15 minutes of soothing* (I'm pretty sure she had a bad dream and that in the dream she was all alone and couldn't find me. Normally she has belligerent dreams, and sometimes she wakes up very irrationally angry and needs to be talked down. The wall between dreams and waking is very thin for this little pup. My poor lil Middy Spoon!)

  Me: *gets home from a long day* Mephitidae: OLD MOMMY YOU WERE GONE VERY LONG MUCH SNIFFING NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!! Me: OK, yes, sniffing is fine, just don't.. M: I GIVE YOU TACKLE HUGS OF LOVE AND WATERBOARDING AND LOVE!!! Me: Ack, ptthpt! Middy, ok, here's a hug, now let me bring in... M: *grabs my arm with her teeth* HERE'S HOW YOU GET IN THE HOUSE OLD MOMMY YOU WERE LOST BUT LOOK IM HELPING!!! Me: *trying to walk with a dog firmly attached by the teeth to my arm and wiggling frantically* OK, yes, I'm going in the.. M: THIS WAY THIS WAY UP THIS STEP THATS RIGHT UP ANOTHER STEP COME ON OLD MOMMY Me: OK, Middy? Maybe just let me go on my own and I'll put the milk in the fridge and come ri... M: YES DRAG YOU INTO THE HOUSE SO YOU NEVER LEAVE AGAIN THAT'S RIGHT YOUR MIDDY WILL SHOW YOU HOW *drag drag drag chomp drag* (And these scenes are why dog owners have to explain bruises to their doctors.)

  Mephitidae: *shifty eyes* Me, just minding my own business in bed with my knees bent: ... Middy: *carefully paws one of my knees down* Me: ... Middy: *more shifty eyes* *Caaaaaareefullly paws the other knee down* Me: *still just watching* Middy: doo doo nothing to see here SNEAK ATTACK!!!! *Tacklehug*

  Me: *impulse buys 1 dog pillow at Aldi, not realizing they actually had 2 in the color I want* Schmoop & Middy: OMG WHAT IS THAT IS IT A SPECIAL THING ITS ON THE FLOOR CAN WE EAT IT? Me: Hm. That's really too small. Glad I didn't get the other one. Middy: I KILL YOU FUCKER FLOOR PILLOW I KILL YOU Me: Middy, no chomps. No eating the pillow, or it goes away like the OTHER ONE. (Mephitidae has destroyed a few pillows) Schmoop: Soft pillow for da Schmoop? Middy: NO IT IS MY SOFT PILLOW YOU BACK THE FUCK OFF YOU FUCKITY FUCK I WILL FUCK YOU UP THE FUCKER Me: Middy. DO NOT be mean to Schmoop over the pillow. Middy: MY FUCKING PILLOW FUCKERS Me: OK, what if I sit on the pillow? You're too big anyway. Middy: *clearly sizing up this battle* OVER MY SQUASHED BODY MY PILLOW Schmoop: Fine. *goes to sulk on spacious, comfy futon with pillows and blankets* Middy: FINE *attack sleeps on really too small dog bed* Me: *already contemplating that I now need to check other Aldis for th...