I feel like Schmoopie should have a warning sign about the consequences of casual affection. Me: *casually pats* Mr Man: *flings himself bodily across my torso, steamrolling all my organs and bonking me hard in the face with his bowling ball head while trying to wiggle under my arm, eat my hand, and also teabag me*
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Schmoop-chi stances: Resting pose: snuggle the leg Limp sack of potatoes Disgruntled potato Porn star sprawl Porn star sleeping leg kick Fight the waterbed Flail for help Kick off of the Mommy Meditative gaze Solemn belch Flop to rest Snuggle the leg Advanced poses: Glare at the Mommy for being warm Flop on floor Glare at floor for being hard Flop on the Mommy
Me: Ah, time for some morning internet. Schmoopie: SNUGGLES Me: No, see, tablet. Schmoopie: *wedges between tablet and my face* SNUGGLES Me: Schmoop. Stop it. Schmoopie: *nudges hand away from tablet* I AM TABLET NOW. SNUGGLES Me: Dog! I need both hands for this! Schmoopie: *pins down arms* YES BOTH HANDS ON TABLET THAT IS ME SNUGGLES! Me: You're NOT a tablet. For starters, you don't get the internet. You don't even COMPREHEND the internet! Schmoopie: *flops over* SUDDEN RANDOM DICK IN YOUR FACE Me: Okay, I guess you DO comprehend the internet. BUT STILL
Schmoopie: Snuggles. *flops on my chest* Me: OK, but maybe don't crush the old mommy? Schmoopie: *rolls onto my face* SNUGGLES Me: Mpmmphhpmf Mephitidae: I'LL SAVE YOU OLD MOMMY!!! *tackles Schmoopie while body slamming my face* Schmoop: Harrumph. *moves* Mephitidae: *uses my face to prop herself because suddenly her butt needs cleaning* Me: OK, off the face. *shove* Schmoopie: *flops on my face* Snuggles