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Just Like My Pajamas....

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Me: Look, Middy! Look Schmoop! I have a new extra soft blanket! Middy & Schmoop: Ooooooo blanket! Me: And it matches my pajama pants! Me: See, it's soft like the pajamas... Middy: So soft! Me: And it's fuzzy like the pajamas... Middy: So fuzzy! Me: And it's got pretty moons and stars like the pajamas... Middy: So pretty! Me: and it's....wait. What? MIDDY MEPHITIDAE, DID YOU CHEW A HOLE IN THE PRETTY NEW BLANKET? Middy: Just like pajamas! Schmoop: Humph. ( It is a perfectly round hole. I don't know how she chews such perfectly round holes. Also if you see me wearing pants with a perfectly round patch, understand she did that WHILE I WAS WEARING THE PANTS. My lil girl is very, very sneaky.)
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  Middy yesterday: YAY YARD TIME. Me: Yes, yard time! With your harness so you can't do a sneak. Me: Middy? Me: Middy! Me: MIDDY *half an hour of doggedly trudging in the wake of a deliriously happy fleethound who has no intention of obeying the Old Mommy in the slightest while she makes friends with many new yards and a kind lady who offered sympathy and "she went thataway!"* Me: Middy, you stop RIGHT NOW Middy: OLD MOMMY THIS IS THE BEST ADVENTURE!!!! HOORAY!!!! One neighbor: Oh, I think she went around that corner *points towards the street where Middy usually tries to meet neighbors' dogs* Me: *dreading a possible dog fight* *trudge trudge trudge* Neighbor out with dog: Nope, haven't seen her. UPS truck driver: Nope, haven't seen her. UPS driver again (having apparently gotten lost trying to get out of dereliction): Still haven't seen her. Sigh. Heading for home. Middy: OLD MOMMY WHERE WERE YOU I WAS LOST!!! CARRY ME OLD MOMMY CARRY YOUR MIDDY SPOOOON
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Houdini Me: goes into the main yard with the dogs, which I've had to lock off due to Middy. Middy must wear her harness now, because I'm hoping it slows down her epic squirm power. Middy: OH LOOK OLD MOMMY I AM SOMEHOW OUTSIDE THE FENCE HOW DID THAT HAPPEN OOOH BUNNIES! Me: MIDDY MEPHITIDAE! YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT. NOW. *Goes inside to get a leash* *Comes back to search for Middy* No Middy. *Walks the other way around the block* No Middy. *Deep breath, as I try not to strangle her through mental force* Middy: Old Mommy? Old Mommy? I'm stuck! Me: Middy Mephitidae! You stay RIGHT THERE! Middy: Mommy there are thorns I'm stuck halp! Middy: I'm scared old Mommy please help your little Middy Spoon!!!! Me: *mangling self on thorns to get my Middy Spoon out* ok, I really hope you've learned something. Middy: Yay free more adventures! Me:
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Super pooped!

  Me: You've both been such good dogs, let's do errands and a walk! Schmoop: Yes, walk! Middy: Yes, walk OMG HARNESS WHY ok yes, walk. Me: What a good walk, many accomplishments, let's go home for some chicken chicken and snuggles! Schmoop: Yes I would like the treats and snuggles! Super pooped! Middy: I would also like the treats and snuggles! Super pooped! Exhausted! *hangs limp and lifeless* *must be helped into the car. So tired* Me: OK Schmoop (leashless), straight to the gate. Schmoop: Yes'm, that is my duty as guard dog. *goes to gate* Me: *holding the second leash I keep on Middy even after I've taken off the backup collar because Dangernoodle is a menace* OK, Middy, straight to the gate. My poor tired girl. What a good girl you were! Is treat time! Special treat! Middy: *slipping leash like Houdini on any given Tuesday* FREEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!! Me: ...... Middy (racing past at mach 9): FREEEEE * SONIC BOOM* DOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!! Me: *trudging down
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  Me; *having a rough day, because the world is A LOT* Middy Spoon: MOMMY! MOMMY! COME HERE! VERY IMPORTANT! *Chomps my arm and drags me to the dog futon* Me: Middy, do I really need to sit down here? Middy: YES OMG SUPER IMPORTANT!!!! SIT RIGHT HERE!!!! RIGHT HERE, OLD MOMMY!!!! Me, mangled but curious: oookay? I'm sitting? Middy: SNEAK ATTACK!!!!! *throws entire self on my head, knocking me over and profusely licking my face* Me: blargle! *Struggling to breathe* Middy: I LOVE YOU OLD MOMMY! *lick lick chomp lick* Dogs. Somehow making the world better, despite humanity's worst efforts.
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  Mephitidae: *steals Schmoopie's collar* Schmoop: *grumble* Mephitidae: LOOK OLD MOMMY HE'S NAKEY!!
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Best Old Mommy Treat

Me, about 3 am: ....wuh? Middy: OLD MOMMY!!! LOOOK! Me: Whu? Middy: LOOK OLD MOMMY I BROUGHT OLD MOMMY TREAT! Me: Wait... is my butt wet? WHY IS MY BUTT WET?? Middy: *crunching ominously* I HELP OLD MOMMY, I OPEN!!! Me, confused but suspicious now: MIDDY. Is that a beer? Middy: OLD MOMMY TREAT!!!!! I HELP!!! *flings what I now realize is a Guinness, leaking profusely, on the futon* Me: MIDDY. Did you OPEN the beer?? Middy: BEST MOMMY TREAT FOR BEST OLD MOMMY!!! *upends beer, which is rapidly emptying* Me: *grabs can* Middy: I LOVE YOU OLD MOMMY!!! I SHARE OLD MOMMY TREAT!!! *starts licking at now beer-soaked bedding* LOOK, OLD MOMMY'S TURN!!! POLITE SHARE! Me, declining to politely share the bed-beer: Middy. I love you very, very much. *restrains Middy from beer, restrains self from strangling Middy* *grumbles off to grab a towel* *starts mopping up beer, which fortunately was mostly absorbed by the liner I have down* *MOSTLY* At least it wasn't an IPA. Schmoop: HUMPH.
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