Me: *covers Mephitidae's eyes* Where's Middy? M:... Me: PEEKABOO Where's Middy? M: Am I... Am I invisible? Me: PEEKABOO! Where's Middy? M: AM I A NINJA NOW??? Me: PEEKA- M: NINJA DEATH SNEAK ATTACK FACE CHOMPS!!!! *TACKLE* Schmoopie: Why you make Middy disappear?
Posts
Mephitidae: *wakes up* OMG OLD MOMMY THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE BACK YOU WERE GONE FOREVER IT WAS VERY SCARY AND SAD *Dramatically flings her whole body on mine, especially impressive because she was lying down* Me: Buh? Middy: I WAS ALL ALONE AND YOU WERE GONE AND GONE AND IT WAS VERY BAD NEVER LEAVE AGAIN!!!! *Attempts to physically merge with my torso* Me: Um... Wha? I was right he... Middy: I LOVE YOU OLD MOMMY DON'T LEAVE NEVER LEAVE NEVER EVER YOUR POOR MIDDY SPOOOOOOONNNNN! *Begins aggressively grooming my face, which makes it extremely hard to breathe/ have skin* Me: *splutter* ok, it's ok, don't drown me, I'm right here! *15 minutes of soothing* (I'm pretty sure she had a bad dream and that in the dream she was all alone and couldn't find me. Normally she has belligerent dreams, and sometimes she wakes up very irrationally angry and needs to be talked down. The wall between dreams and waking is very thin for this little pup. My poor lil Middy Spoon!)
Me: *gets home from a long day* Mephitidae: OLD MOMMY YOU WERE GONE VERY LONG MUCH SNIFFING NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!! Me: OK, yes, sniffing is fine, just don't.. M: I GIVE YOU TACKLE HUGS OF LOVE AND WATERBOARDING AND LOVE!!! Me: Ack, ptthpt! Middy, ok, here's a hug, now let me bring in... M: *grabs my arm with her teeth* HERE'S HOW YOU GET IN THE HOUSE OLD MOMMY YOU WERE LOST BUT LOOK IM HELPING!!! Me: *trying to walk with a dog firmly attached by the teeth to my arm and wiggling frantically* OK, yes, I'm going in the.. M: THIS WAY THIS WAY UP THIS STEP THATS RIGHT UP ANOTHER STEP COME ON OLD MOMMY Me: OK, Middy? Maybe just let me go on my own and I'll put the milk in the fridge and come ri... M: YES DRAG YOU INTO THE HOUSE SO YOU NEVER LEAVE AGAIN THAT'S RIGHT YOUR MIDDY WILL SHOW YOU HOW *drag drag drag chomp drag* (And these scenes are why dog owners have to explain bruises to their doctors.)
Mephitidae: *shifty eyes* Me, just minding my own business in bed with my knees bent: ... Middy: *carefully paws one of my knees down* Me: ... Middy: *more shifty eyes* *Caaaaaareefullly paws the other knee down* Me: *still just watching* Middy: doo doo nothing to see here SNEAK ATTACK!!!! *Tacklehug*
Too Small (profanity warning)
Me: *impulse buys 1 dog pillow at Aldi, not realizing they actually had 2 in the color I want* Schmoop & Middy: OMG WHAT IS THAT IS IT A SPECIAL THING ITS ON THE FLOOR CAN WE EAT IT? Me: Hm. That's really too small. Glad I didn't get the other one. Middy: I KILL YOU FUCKER FLOOR PILLOW I KILL YOU Me: Middy, no chomps. No eating the pillow, or it goes away like the OTHER ONE. (Mephitidae has destroyed a few pillows) Schmoop: Soft pillow for da Schmoop? Middy: NO IT IS MY SOFT PILLOW YOU BACK THE FUCK OFF YOU FUCKITY FUCK I WILL FUCK YOU UP THE FUCKER Me: Middy. DO NOT be mean to Schmoop over the pillow. Middy: MY FUCKING PILLOW FUCKERS Me: OK, what if I sit on the pillow? You're too big anyway. Middy: *clearly sizing up this battle* OVER MY SQUASHED BODY MY PILLOW Schmoop: Fine. *goes to sulk on spacious, comfy futon with pillows and blankets* Middy: FINE *attack sleeps on really too small dog bed* Me: *already contemplating that I now need to check other Aldis for th