Best Old Mommy Treat

Me, about 3 am: ....wuh?

Middy: OLD MOMMY!!! LOOOK!

Me: Whu?

Middy: LOOK OLD MOMMY I BROUGHT OLD MOMMY TREAT!

Me: Wait... is my butt wet? WHY IS MY BUTT WET??

Middy: *crunching ominously* I HELP OLD MOMMY, I OPEN!!!

Me, confused but suspicious now: MIDDY. Is that a beer?

Middy: OLD MOMMY TREAT!!!!! I HELP!!! *flings what I now realize is a Guinness, leaking profusely, on the futon*

Me: MIDDY. Did you OPEN the beer??

Middy: BEST MOMMY TREAT FOR BEST OLD MOMMY!!! *upends beer, which is rapidly emptying*

Me: *grabs can*

Middy: I LOVE YOU OLD MOMMY!!! I SHARE OLD MOMMY TREAT!!! *starts licking at now beer-soaked bedding* LOOK, OLD MOMMY'S TURN!!! POLITE SHARE!

Me, declining to politely share the bed-beer: Middy. I love you very, very much. *restrains Middy from beer, restrains self from strangling Middy*
*grumbles off to grab a towel*
*starts mopping up beer, which fortunately was mostly absorbed by the liner I have down*
*MOSTLY*

At least it wasn't an IPA.

Schmoop: HUMPH.

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