3 a.m. Nobody:

Mephitidae (to the entire neighborhood): I KILL YOU FUCKERS I KILL YOU I KILL YOU I KILL YOU FUCKITY FUCKER FUCKS I KILL YOU I KILL YOU
Me, having confirmed there were, in fact, no fuckity fucker fucks needing killing: Back inside. Go to sleep. *Closes dog door*
*Shoves Middy under covers*
Middy: I kill.. kill... Grfuckity... kill....*snoooorreeee*
Me: *awake for another few hours because insomnia, of course*
10 a.m.
Me: Ok, lazy, let's get up!
Middy: *gromp* No why you wake Middy so tired up all night just let me
*kicks me in the crotch and face*
*snoooooorrrreeee*

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Best Old Mommy Treat

Me, about 3 am: ....wuh? Middy: OLD MOMMY!!! LOOOK! Me: Whu? Middy: LOOK OLD MOMMY I BROUGHT OLD MOMMY TREAT! Me: Wait... is my butt wet? WHY IS MY BUTT WET?? Middy: *crunching ominously* I HELP OLD MOMMY, I OPEN!!! Me, confused but suspicious now: MIDDY. Is that a beer? Middy: OLD MOMMY TREAT!!!!! I HELP!!! *flings what I now realize is a Guinness, leaking profusely, on the futon* Me: MIDDY. Did you OPEN the beer?? Middy: BEST MOMMY TREAT FOR BEST OLD MOMMY!!! *upends beer, which is rapidly emptying* Me: *grabs can* Middy: I LOVE YOU OLD MOMMY!!! I SHARE OLD MOMMY TREAT!!! *starts licking at now beer-soaked bedding* LOOK, OLD MOMMY'S TURN!!! POLITE SHARE! Me, declining to politely share the bed-beer: Middy. I love you very, very much. *restrains Middy from beer, restrains self from strangling Middy* *grumbles off to grab a towel* *starts mopping up beer, which fortunately was mostly absorbed by the liner I have down* *MOSTLY* At least it wasn't an IPA. Schmoop: HUMPH.
Read more
  Mephitidae, in the style of The Little Mermaid: I want to be where my people is. I want to see, want to see them typing. Clicking away on those, what'dya call them? Keys? Sitting on floors, you don't get too far. Stand up on your hind legs, and now you're helping! Kissing and clawing and climbing their...what's that word again... knees! I want let in! Into the room! I want to screenbomb a faculty Zooooom! Up on their lap. Too hyper to nap. Part of their woooorrrrrkkk.
Read more
  Me; *having a rough day, because the world is A LOT* Middy Spoon: MOMMY! MOMMY! COME HERE! VERY IMPORTANT! *Chomps my arm and drags me to the dog futon* Me: Middy, do I really need to sit down here? Middy: YES OMG SUPER IMPORTANT!!!! SIT RIGHT HERE!!!! RIGHT HERE, OLD MOMMY!!!! Me, mangled but curious: oookay? I'm sitting? Middy: SNEAK ATTACK!!!!! *throws entire self on my head, knocking me over and profusely licking my face* Me: blargle! *Struggling to breathe* Middy: I LOVE YOU OLD MOMMY! *lick lick chomp lick* Dogs. Somehow making the world better, despite humanity's worst efforts.
Read more